Lesson learnt, i guess

I suppose that when you hate someone, that's it. There's no more turning back. Whatever the person you hate trying to do good things to you, you'll never accept it. Because in your head, "I hate him/her". Everything else doesn't matter anymore. It's so amazing for me to see such hatred could turn something so precious into something so filthy. Now, I came to realize that even just one single mistaken gesture could turn everything upside down. Silly mistake i could say. But what can i do. Tried my best to ease it but it seems to me that it's not working at all. Guess considered it lesson learnt.

Earlier today, my sis introduced me to this one new song by Agnes Monica - Tanpa Kekasihku. I've always admired the way Agnes projected her voice. Such a strong and powerful voice and yet, she controls it so well. Two thumbs up for Agnes. Not just her voice, but i guess her songs have always been very catchy and can be easily remembered. There's something charming about the songs she sang. My sis really know me so well. She knows whenever a song really suit my taste. Guess being a brother to her for almost 20 years worth the while.

Today is an improvement from yesterday. My mood to study suddenly grows stronger but not strong enough to actually be in a comfortable state to study. Though i managed to finish one chapter and i'm totally ready for tomorrow's class. Talking about tomorrow, i will have a few things to be done, regarding lab session and registration. I wish i have a car, so that i don't need to worry of walking hours just to get to the place.

Tired

I don't know why but eversince i came back for the new semester, i just don't feel the way i used to feel when i came back during my foundation year. Everything now seems so dull and boring. It seems to me that a new semester only reminds me of how tired i am going to be to struggle for the semester. As the day goes by, my feeling of homesick grows stronger. I know i should have not felt this way. This is my future i'm putting on risk. I know someday i'll might look back and laugh at what i wrote today.

And today, i don't have the mood to revise on anything. What i just did was printing all learning materials and updating my schedule and all stuff like that, which doesn't require me to think at all. Sometimes, i do feel i like doing this kind of stuff, i mean the stuff like wrapping up my books, refilling my printer ink, arranging my books, etc. But of course i don't intend to make these as my future career. I think I want to gather a friend or two just to have a study partner or you can call it a study group. Perhaps it will help the situation better, i suppose.

Talking about friends. Recently, i've realized that most of my good friends are females. I'm not sure why but my relationships with females last longer than with males, i mean in terms of friendships. Maybe it's human nature i guess, the opposite always matches well. But i can't deny that i have good relationships with males too but very few, only the few that really suits me. I hope it will last forever though.

Hurt

This song which i'm listening to right now, over and over again, sort of touches my deepest heart. Hurt by Christina Aguilera really brings out the song in a way i couldn't describe. Words alone can't describe it. The way she breathes every word is so melodic and endearing. I wish i could sing just as good as she is. At some point, most of her songs sort of suits me really well. Though i definitely couldn't sing exactly like her, but rhyming her song brings the comfortable feeling to my voice. It just feel so right. I don't know what's that supposed to meab anyway. Apart from this particular song, her previous hit, Beautiful, was a good one too. Everytime i listens to the song, it brings me back to whenever year or moment when the song was a hit. It makes me remember or i can say, took me a glimpse through whatever that had happened during that time. I admit there are many sweet and bitter memories which i know i should just let it go, which i will.

Let it go. Just three simple word. But to do it just the way the word describe it may turn out to be the opposite. So simple, yet so complicated. I don't know what did i do to deserve what i get today. The mistake, the same mistake, keep on repeating over and over again. When the first time happened, i should have learnt from it. Instead, I did it again. To turn back the time is impossible. To forget and leave the mistake behind is barely possible. Though everything now seems okay to everyone, deep down in my heart, there's a part of me which i couldn't let go. I still want to but it seems possible. Knowing the fact that i might have screwed it before, i might not stand any chance. I want to forget but i just couldn't. Everytime i thought i moved on, then they came back again. I can't pretend forever. I must find a way to deal with this.

It seems now i don't know where or who should i turn to whenever i want to. I guess this blog is my best companion. Though you can only listen, i still appreciate that. I wish you could speak so that you will give me good advise. I can't think of anyone who i can really really trust right now. Though there's a few, i'm not sure whether they are willing to hear to all my whining. Will they understand me and accept me?I guess we'll never know. I hope when the time comes, there will be someone to hope.